For all of the years I can remember I have celebrated Canada Day. I would spend time in gratitude for my life here in this amazing country over good food, often sunny weather and celebrate.

This year for the first time in my life I am experiencing other feelings about Canada Day. Things feel unsettled and being Canadian now feels less clear. I sat this week wondering and decided I would knit a hat in a Canadian theme. The maple leaf hats all white and red didn’t feel right so I looked for designs that came before the present day flag. The leaf patterns felt more real, less idealized.

I thought to use the new Noro Hanuai yarn with a ball of Kureyon. Soft and luxurious these yarns lovingly accept the knitted loops. As I knitted I realized I had chosen a colour that left little distinction or contrast. The design lines were very blurred. I decided to continue knitting the touque anyway. When I completed the last stitches I contemplated what I had knitted and saw what I had created looked like bruised maple leaves. Purple, pink, and blue on dark brown.

My relationship with Canada is bruised. The last few years of forced disconnection, strident rhetoric and emotional, mental and political upheaval seems to have had a significant impact.

I am grateful for my family, the land I live on and the life I have created. And today on this Canada Day I am spending time imagining a future where freedom to choose, freedom to create and freedom of movement are honoured in our culture.

I acknowledge the bruising and I look to my “healing box” for nourishment. I made a Morel Mushroom Soup with parsley and garlic scapes all from the land. I put up supports for my runner beans and weeded amongst the squash. The tomato plants are staked and another lettuce awaits the salad bowl.

I know that bruises heal and this coming year I intend to claim a new understanding and relationship with my country.

All the very best on the Canada Day.